6 Examples of What Self Love Is NOT, What Self Love Actually Is + Why You're Unable to Have Healthy Relationships (Valentine's Day Inspired ❤️)

THIS was one of my most popular blog posts from last year, so I decided to repost it given Valentine's Day is officially here! I know some of you lovelies could use this reminder as we approach the sometimes dreaded V-Day.

First off, society today builds up this one day of the year so much so that we feel utterly unworthy if we're not attached at the hip with a sig other.

My opinion? It's complete bullshit. 

​February 14 isn't just about your "other half"—the cards, flowers, chocolates, wine, intimacy or "I love you's."

It's about giving that same love that you tend to give everyone else, to yourself too.

Actually, if I'm being real, getting the above materialistic items as symbols of love on V-day won't actually carry any meaning if you don't love yourself first. 

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Recently, my yoga teacher dedicated her entire class to the topic of self love, reminding us that if you can't love yourself, you don't have the capacity to love others.

We've all heard this cliche saying time and time again, but, as we get older, we learn there's a lot of truth to it. The relationship you have with yourself is by far the most important relationship you will ever have. It shapes your approach to every facet of life—career, success, relationships (personal and professional), financial health, and the list goes on. You can't possibly have successful, trustworthy & deeply-connected relationships without first respecting yourself, inside and out. Period.

WHAT'S SELF LOVE?

It's an unconditional admiration, compassion and respect for YOU—for the places that are easy to be in awe of (pretty attributes, achievements and successful relationships) AND the places of darkness (your unpleasant past experiences, failures, imperfections and unresolved feelings). Both make you who you are and loving yourself completely means being 100% OKAY with it all.

When you feel nourished, fulfilled and loved, simply by being you, you end up expecting and inviting the same in return. You'll choose healthier surroundings, relationships, career paths & expectations that feel in alignment with your true self and reflect the love you feel for yourself. You are a magnet of your emotional state—if you think you're not enough, you will communicate to others that you are unworthy of love and respect, and therefore will attract an outside world that mirrors you're feelings of lack. If you tell the world that you deserve the best, you will manifest, with ease, healthy, happy relationships, financial abundance and a balanced mind and body.

WHAT'S NOT SELF LOVE?
The below 6 patterns might initially look like self love, but actually aren't. Hopefully becoming aware of these for yourself, you can give these spaces a little more TLC. Unfortunately, until you do, you'll continue to experience struggle and chaos in your personal and professional life. 

1. Trying to please others by giving so much of yourself that your tank becomes empty and you have nothing left to give yourself. 
   
   
2. A strong focus on self-confidence and achievement, so much so that your hustle for success takes away from compassion and care for yourself. This one usually results in burning out and feeling like a failure [I struggle big time with this].
   
   
3. Self-awareness and observation, but with little to no trust or belief in yourself to either make your dreams a reality or overcome what you’re going through. This typically means withholding self-expression, not putting your gifts to good use, refusing to take risks that will benefit you, along with feeling stuck and always wanting more.
   
   
4. Self-pleasure and fun without honor, self-respect and knowing your worth. Ever heard of looking for love in all the wrong places? This one is that. Hell yes to fun and pleasure, but honoring yourself through the process is key! If not, you’re left with emotional gaps since you've tried to fill your own voids with anything & everyone other than what will actually fulfill your soul (hint hint: self love and maybe a higher power).
   
   
5. Self-esteem and strength, but not standing up for yourself and what you deserve in relationships or life situations. This pattern looks like success on the outside with self-destructive behaviors happening on the inside, or having it all together in career but settling for bread crumbs in relationships.
   
   
6. Waiting to love yourself until you are _____. What this sounds like in real life: "I will love myself & be happier when I’m the perfect weight, or when I have the perfect job, or when I have the perfect lover." Let me tell you a little secret: if you're not happy with yourself now, you won't be happy 20 pounds less, as CEO of a top company or married to Gerard Butler. Ok, maybe married to GB 😜. All jokes aside, if this is how you are, you'll always be waiting. Perfection doesn't exist.

Do any of the above sound familiar to you? You're not alone girlfriend, trust me.

So, I'll leave you pondering this question:
How in the world can you expect to show up in life, achieve what you truly want, all while giving love to others, if you’re not taking care of yourself first?

Hint: It's impossible.

Ok, so this Valentine's Day, fuck society and feeling "less than." Try celebrating YOU instead. Kiss yourself. Give yourself roses. Treat yourself to chocolate, wine and GALentine time. Look in the mirror and say "I love you." 

Happy Valentine's Day my lovely gal pals. 💞

mad love to you.
xoxo,
C